I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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