wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
