My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
