I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Let's get the cat blown out
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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