I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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