The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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