there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think I sprained my soul last night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
