Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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