if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
