Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
