She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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