Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
