omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni