I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries