don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
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Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
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When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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