no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
