Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
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