my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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