when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
