My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
