he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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