Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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