Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
