No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
