i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
