I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
