i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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