Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
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i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize