If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
