This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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