I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
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You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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