You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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