i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?