Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
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Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you