i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.