I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
