Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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