guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
