I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
