I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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