chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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