His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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