im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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