Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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