i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Randomize
