Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
