I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
