EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
