paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
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Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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