im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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