I haven't been this sober since birth.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
