i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
40s are totally the cure
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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