Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
