I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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