Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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