I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
