And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
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I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.