I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina