I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
